<< the most superficial political commentary you could ever hope to find >>
2004-01-26 - 2:04 p.m.

I get all of my news from NPR. I like it because it's slanted just the right amount--to the left, but not so far to the left that I feel as though I have to turn to other sources to get a balanced idea of what's going on. I hate local news ("What you don't know about baby bunnies may kill you! More at eleven . . ."), and I also hate the smug, self-important anchors on all the national news shows. Show me someone who bought The Greatest Generation, and I'll show you someone I'm not interested in having a beer with.

But you do miss out on some stuff when NPR is your only news source. For example, I realized yesterday that except for Howard Dean, I had no idea what any of the front running presidential candidates looked like. So I used my friend the internet to look them up. After all, I'm sick of looking at Dubya's monkey face, and I think we as a country deserve a better-looking man as our leader. From now on I'm voting only for the presidential candiate who's most likely to become America's Next Top Model.

Here we have Howard Dean, the one guy I already kinda knew.

He's okay-looking, although slightly goofy. Maybe a little too round-faced to be president.

Next, Wesley Clark.

Holy eyebrows, Batman! For the longest time, I couldn't understand why this man's candidancy wasn't taking off, but now I know. No man with dark, scary eyebrows like that can ever be president. I wonder why he's even wasting his time. Somebody should really clue him in.

John Kerry is doing very well now, perhaps because he is reasonably attractive, as presidential candidates go.

However, the problem of the chin remains, and I'm not sure it can be surmounted. Sure, it sort of gives him that superhero look, but as this picture reveals, it also somehow makes him look as if he has no teeth.

Which brings us to our final beauty contestant--er, presidential candidate--John Edwards.

As you can see, John Edwards is a fine-looking hunk of man, and therefore he has my vote. I suggest you do the same, since all the pundits are telling us not to vote for the candidate we are interested in, but the candidate that we think the most other people are interested in. I'm interested in Edwards (sexually), so you'd better vote for him or you'll be ruining the Democratic Plan '04. Okay?



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