This is it, Ex-Boyfriends. I am laying down the law. I'm tired of you drunk-dialing me, I'm tired of you calling back the next day to tell me you're not really in love with me anymore like you said you were last night, I'm tired of hearing about your new, ill-advised sexual exploits, I'm tired of hearing about your crazy new girlfriend who pukes on your carpet and tries to cheat on you but you keep going out with her anyway, I'm tired of hearing about how they don't appreciate you at your new job in that rinky-dink town, I'm tired of you. The thing is? I just don't care much. I'm not into you anymore---we BROKE UP, remember that, Ex-Boyfriends? Just because I don't have a boyfriend right now doesn't mean I miss you. I know you think we can be best friends now, but we can't. I'm sorry. I thought we could too, but my other friends just don't act like this.
I guess I should have been meaner when we broke up. I should have elaborated and let you know that really, it wasn't me, it was you. Because then maybe when you got drunk you would be less likely to call me up in the middle of the night. [Except for the ones who dumped me. You guys are a whole other, even more annoying kettle of fish. I'm sorry that you decided you were wrong in 1987 or 1996 or 2000 or whenever, but the train has left the station. There are no take-backs. You don't even live here!]
In conclusion, Ex-Boyfriends, I like you. I really do. You're good guys, which was why we went out in the first place. Theoretically, I think it's great that we're still in touch, but in actuality it's just not doing much for me. So if you could just not call. Especially not in the middle of the night. Ever again. Thank you.
RDG
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