So, I have this journal. And I leave a lot of stuff out, mainly because people I know read it, but also because, you know, a lot of stuff is boring��This morning at 7:05 the alarm went off. Neko crawled out from under the covers and sat on my arm instead. I hit the snooze button many times, finally got up at 7:45, went to the shower, turned it on, etc.� See? Boring.
But even though it�s not an exhaustive chronicle of my life or anything, this journal actually means something to me. It�s the main record of the last couple of years of my life, and it helps me sort things out�it�s no good to me if I leave everything out. So I�m going to go ahead and say the main thing that�s going on.
About a week and a half ago, I got the pathology results from my surgery, and it turns out that I have breast cancer after all. The doctor was very surprised�most of what they took out was fine, but there was a little bit of stuff on one edge of it that wasn�t so fine. But they can get it all out with another surgery pretty much exactly like the one before. So, not to worry. I�m not going to die anytime soon. And actually, I�m extremely lucky, because the big fat thing they took out had nothing to do with the tiny cancer, but they wouldn�t have found the tiny cancer otherwise.
Still, it�s an adjustment. I went to the social worker/therapist lady connected to my clinic today, and she was of the opinion that I have not sufficiently worked through my emotions about this, and that there needs to be more crying. I haven�t been all stiff upper lip, all the time, but she might have a point (even though she was the most classic social worker of all time, saying �yeeaah� a lot in a whispery voice). She asked me if I do any journaling, and I was like, �Er, kinda . . .� So, I think I�ll probably make some private entries, but that�s what they�ll be about. You won�t be missing anything.
I haven�t really known how best to handle it�how to tell people without making too big a deal of it and stuff. Maybe I�ve seen too many movies where Meryl Streep deals with these things with grace and aplomb, and I want to be able to think of myself that way, too. But instead I�m just not really dealing with it. Last night I had a dream that I was trying to protect my chest while a whole bunch of people came at me with knives. Hmm, I wonder what that one means?
So anyway, that�s the deal. I really and truly am okay, and I know I�m not going to die right now, so don�t worry. I think I just needed to acknowledge that to me, it�s a big deal. It�s a change.
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